The word selfish sparks immediate feelings doesn’t it? I guess the questions I would like to pose are the most fundamental ones.. Have you run those feelings through the what, how, when and why? Most importantly can we run it through a question of what now? Maybe, as I will explain here shortly, there is another side to this. Maybe, just maybe, there is an empowered approach to use SELFISH to heal not only yourself but those around you and the world as a whole. Tall order you say? Well, read on and lets see if you still say that at the end.

I am willing to bet that you have some legitimate reasons why the word selfish makes you feel a certain sort of way. I’m also fairly certain that when it happened, it involved how someone put their own needs above your own and that what they did caused you some sort of discomfort. Does that sound about right? These types of situations have caused the negative association we have with the word today.

As a person that likes to look at all sides of things.. I ask you to try something with me… I’m going to ask you to open your minds. For many that are resistant to change, have carried the same baggage for years and or just prefer to have a more “focused” frame of mind this may be hard. However if you just stick with me on this, I am convinced I am not only going to change your mind I am going to make a believer out of you.

Ready? Okay, in order to do this right we have to look at all sides. Innately we are inclined to do things that make us feel good. As babies we learn the word “mine” rather quickly and use it to take and hoard for ourselves, all that makes us happy. We are quickly taught this is wrong and that we should not act in such a way. These behaviors can resurface later in adolescence when kids have a tendency to get in trouble, making choices based off of what feels good over what’s in the best interest of all. Relationship failures from cheating or lying, addictions with food or drugs or shopping, the list can go on and on as to why the world should not be so self-centered and selfish. You may be thinking, Angie… You are not helping your argument. I am just trying to openly show both sides. So lets look at the other side.

For the baby, they are trying to understand the world they live in and up until the moment we start to set boundaries it has been all about them. We spend the first 6 months completely wrapped up in their comfort and happiness. The need for safety comes in as they earn independence and that’s where things start to get dicey. From the moment of independence people start to realize they have the ability to make themselves feel good and it becomes a top priority. I think we can agree feeling good is important. You like to do things that make you feel good right? Do you like to eat foods that taste good? Do you like to go places that make you happy? Do you like to spend time with people that make you laugh?

I think we can all speak to times we may have made choices based off our own comfort or happiness. If we worked a long day and choose to make ourselves feel good by staying home instead of going to a party; even though our friend would have felt good if we went, does that make us bad? Did it hurt that person or just not give them their way for that moment? What if you make an empowered decision to improve your health by eating a raw plant based diet but your partner is upset. What if your partner thinks you are not considering their feelings because they have made an empowered decision to follow a high fat keto diet that feels good to them? Does this make you a bad person? Could we turn this around and say they are the selfish ones?

Ultimately, it always comes down to perspective. We can try to be empathetic and see another persons side, but while we could come close… We could never be 100% because perspective is created from filters of perception created during the journey. A collective of all the person has experienced, making it unique to them. So your view of selfish and my view of selfish will differ some. What we can do though is be mindful and proactively share our perspective to avoid miscommunication. As long as its not a one person show all the time it shouldn’t be an issue. There is middle ground, as long as it doesn’t compromise self.  We should be allowed to have “feeling good” as a top priority when there are some healthy guidelines to go with it.

Unfortunately for some people along the way the communication of this gets skewed in a few different ways. For some they pick up the understanding that they need someone/something else to make them feel good. They develop a co-dependency relationship with life. For some they develop an over active me/mine never have enough relationship with life. They take what they want with no second thought, they are still 3 years old. There are many different types of unhealthy self/life relationships. Another that stands out is the person who is so concerned with others thinking they are selfish, they go in the complete opposite direction and create a martyr relationship with life. All of these have one thing in common. Misunderstanding of a healthy relationship with self and life.

So what is a healthy relationship with self and life? The key to everything in life is balance and weighing it through a moral barometer. Basically at the end of the day it should harm none. In an age where we are learning to accept how important self-care is, can we see that maybe we have given the term of “being selfish” a bad rap? The most highly recognized description used for the importance to be selfish is the airline motto of mask yourself first. If you don’t selfishly put that mask on and save yourself, you might die before helping anyone else.. If you mask yourself first, you can most definitely help those around you. There is so much resistance against “selfish behavior” in our culture that we have created the need to make excuses why we do things for self. For example, look at the airline example above. There is a need to say, its about helping others. When we speak of self-care it comes with the same messaging. Do it so you can be better for others. I again ask the question. Its okay to feel good right? Its okay to want to live right? While it’s amazing that there are other benefits that come from putting yourself first, why isn’t it enough to just be good for you? If you live an empowered life, you start to see things a little different.

 If we step back and ask the question, what now? Can you let go of all your pre-conceived notions about what it means to be selfish? Is it possible to change the feelings around what it means to be selfish? I believe anything is possible. Maybe being selfish in a healthy way isn’t so bad. Maybe if we start living in a SELFISH way we can live a more empowered life and we can heal hidden issues about selfishness.  Maybe we need to create a new underlying meaning to the word.

How’s this?

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When we start living empowered lives, our lives inspire self-healing. It’s a journey. Its about changing the way you see things. Its not easy and its not sunshine and roses every day. It is however, learning to see the sunshine through the rain, and appreciating the daisy’s over roses on some days.

If your intrigued.. Look for my blog on 3 Top Tips For a SELFISH Life.